It’s funny how our memory works I thought, as I opened up a frozen pizza box and slid my pizza into the oven. I stared down at the round piece of cardboard that it sits on, and it took me back to a lifetime ago. This cardboard took me back to a relationship I had with a man who was convinced that this piece of cardboard was for slicing the pizza. As I threw it away absentmindedly, I was met with a furious booming voice berating me and demanding why I would think to throw it away! I remember the heavy fear, shame and confusion I felt in that instance. On one hand, I knew he was being unreasonable but on the other hand, I questioned myself and wondered how I could not have known this. What was I thinking? As silly as this argument sounds, there was nothing funny about it. I went back and forth in this internal battle and all I knew was I felt sick to my stomach and fell into a deep depression the rest of the night.
My inner knowing and truth demanded I get the hell out of there and save my dignity. The other part of me just wanted to do right and tried to find any way I could to make sure HE felt better so I could relax. I didn’t get this tortuous game that I was playing back then with myself and my sanity. I just knew the excitement and uncertainty left me with a roller coaster of emotions, and let's just say, the relationship was never dull. After a solid year of leaving and coming back to hell I finally woke up to my divinity and worth. There’s a saying in AA that says, when you’re sick n tired of being sick and tired you will change, and no one can do it for you!
I devoted a solid 2 years to learning how to listen and read what was going on inside of me at any moment, I spent time in meditation, even when my desire was to look at my phone, worry about what I did or didn’t do and question myself. Though, I second guessed myself when I didn’t know better.
I can’t say exactly when the epiphany happened, but I noticed that as our meetups continued so did my quest for the truth of why I got so triggered. I finally was able to differentiate my thoughts and emotions from his actions and words. I separated them whenever I felt the urge to believe anything that was unkind, unloving or untrue and that didn’t hold integrity.
When I was finally able to see through the bullshit, I realized that though he was unconscious on many levels operating from fear and control, I too had a part in this play. The focus shifted from him, him to MYSELF!
Asking myself what’s inside ME that has me second guessing and believing his degrading remarks! This was in fact the work and healing that needed to happen. So began my journey inward. A deep transformative journey that left me surprised, curious and compassionate towards myself. I realized that until I got to the root I would continue to settle in every area of my life. When I didn’t believe in myself no one else did either.
It no longer became my sole focus to continually stand on my head for others. I had to let go of a few relationships, friends, family members, jobs and living situations. This helped me to FINALLY regain self-respect, my time, freedom, joy and voice back in my life. All from a cardboard pizza tray!
When you first begin the journey home to self it feels a bit awkward and uncomfortable. You no longer deny or hide from your truth but begin to embrace and befriend yourself. This idea around self-compassion is such a colossal concept that takes much practice, patience and
self-devotion. If you are up to the journey to discover what’s behind the habits, heaviness and inner conflict I invite you to book a call and let’s discover the gems underneath your circumstances.